Hindsight
As I reflected on my first ever blog post (Am I doing this right? Does my blog follow the flow and purpose of other blogs?) I wondered how my daughters fit into all of this yoga business. Aside from them practicing with me when they were younger (and my oldest again recently), the one memory that stood out for me was the very first time I tried yoga. I was pregnant with my first daughter. It was 2002 and I had bought (or been given?) a VHS video. I proceeded to set up in my basement to try it. I don’t remember if I finished the video. I do remember that I felt a feeling I didn’t like and looking back it was possibly the first time that I recognized anxiousness as a state coming from inside of me (although I didn’t put it together that there was something inside of me to pay attention to until years later following the birth of my second daughter). Any other time I had felt anxious it seemed it was from an outside source that I could attempt to rectify or get rid of.
Another bit of hindsight was that I touched on neurodivergence in my first post and will mention that was something that would not be uncovered until just recently. For two years now, since being diagnosed amidst the journey of my youngest daughter’s diagnosis (which was also something that, in hindsight, I could have prepared for or paid more attention to earlier on had I known more about it) I have been able to relate with my experience of how I function in a friendlier way and find ways to improve my understanding of myself and how I carry out tasks (I don’t fall to sh*tting on myself as my first reaction as much anymore which feels less heavy and brings a more productive outcome).
I think of the quote “Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards” - Kierkegaard, when I think of how I might not have been as self aware when I was younger but I was self aware enough to know the path to take because my education and journey with yoga was the best one for giving me the opportunity to practice presence and healthy coping to manage the discomfort that could creep up over the years from life’s challenges and what was within me.
The birth and childhood (and now young adulthood) of my daughters has been a big catalyst for my journey to examine and reexamine myself, relationships and the world. While raising them (and with some hindsight) the practice of yoga in its many forms has been a steady presence. I remember one day working on my 300-hour certification and a question came up about a calm space or a safe space and my daughter said “You are my safe space.” Both of my girls have given me compliments and praise (verbally and unspoken) over the years and at times I have felt unworthy and grateful at the same time as I look back at some of the ways I have managed things in life and carried myself.
I am not big on regrets in life. I am big on learning and experiencing to best go forward with integrity and I continue to do that as I spend time with my girls and their growing worlds, share and grow my offerings and further my learning (on and off of a yoga mat).
Thank you for leaning in with me and I hope you’ll get something from continuing to check in on my sharing.